" 'Outlook not so good.' That magic 8-ball knows everything! I'll ask about Exchange Server next." % "[KENNEDY COMPOUND - KEEP OUT - TRESPASSERS WILL BE VIOLATED]" % "3 things I learned in combat: Friendly fire isn't. Suppressive fire won't. Tracers work both ways." % "A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age." - Robert Frost (1874-1963) % "A double negative is always positive, but a double positive is never negative" "yeah, right." % "A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul." - George Bernard Shaw % "A myth is a religion in which no one any longer believes." - James Feibleman % "A wise man cannot be insulted. If the insult has no meaning, he ignores it. If the insult does have meaning, he deserves it." % "After ten years of getting drunk night after night, spending a couple of weeks going cold-turkey in rehab was the best thing I ever did. As God as my witness, I'll never take my drinking for granted again." - Andy Ihnatko % "Always remember, your bones will not break in a bobsled. No, no, no. They shatter." - John Candy as Irwin Blitzer 'Cool Runnings' % "An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools." - Ernest Hemingway % "Antivaxxers, especially antivax scientists and physicians, use the peer-reviewed biomedical literature the same way that an inebriated person uses a lamppost at night, for support rather than for illumination." - Dr. David Gorski "Orac" % "Anyone who is not shocked by the quantum theory has not understood it. Anyone who is not shocked by croquet has a handicap of 24." - (allegedly) Niels Bohr % "Aperi januam tenebrarum, audi nomen ejus" [Open the door of darkness, hear his name] - https://www.thebeaverton.com/2021/10/woman-repeating-self-affirmations-into-mirror-accidentally-summons-demonic-life-coach/ % "Argumentum Ad YourMomium" % "Babies are being named after 'Game of Thrones' characters? What parents would name a baby after a sword wielding, mythological character?" - @ConanOBrien, April 19, 2014 % "Bonvolu sendi la haltejon, ŝajnas ke ekzistas rano en mia bideto!" - Esperanto ("Please send the hall porter, there appears to be a frog in my bidet!") % "Boy meets girl. / Boy loses girl. / Boy calls girl a stupid, fat, ugly, good-for-nothing whore. / Boy feels a lot better about the whole thing." - description of the song "Again" by Donkey Punch % "Boys, this game might be your only chance to be good. You might screw up everything else in your life and poison the ones who love you, create misery, create such pain and devastation it will be repeated by generations of descendants. Boys, there's plenty of room for tragedy in life, so if you go bad, don't have it be said that you never did anything right. Win this game." - Garrison Keillor % "Cinqo de Mayo honours Mexican culture in the same way that Fort Lauderdale Spring Break honours college education." - Michael Swaine % "Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right -- here I am, stuck in the middle of a lousy new sitcom on FOX." - John Gephart IV http://www.niftyness.com % "Complexity is easy. Simplicity is hard" - Edmund Kean % "Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative." - Oscar Wilde % "Crash programs fail because they are based on a theory that, with nine women pregnant, you can get a baby in a month." - Wernher Von Braun % "Cult: (n) a small, unpopular religion. Religion: (n) a large, popular cult." % "Diplomats and bureaucrats may function differently, but they achieve exactly the same results." - Mr. Spock 'The Mark of Gideon' % "Don't start vast projects with half-vast ideas" % "Dude! You're coughing up blood. I'll call 911." "No, don't worry. It's not my blood" - http://www.explosm.net/comics/1515/ % "Dyin' ain't much of a living boy" - Josey Wales % "Every time I try to push the envelope, I get a paper cut." - Lee Entrekin % "Everyone is a moon and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody" - Mark Twain % "Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again." - F. P. Jones % "FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION - it comes bundled with the software." - seen on a T-Shirt % "Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months." - Oscar Wilde % "Forewarned is half an octopus." % "Fire can be our servant, whether it's toasting S'Mores or raining down on Charlie." - Principal Skinner 'The Simpsons' % "Friends will help you move. Real friends will help you move bodies." % "Give a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life." - Terry Pratchett in "Jingo" % "God does not play dice with the universe. He plays roulette; that's why particles have spin" % "Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic." % "Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. You just leave a lot of useless noisy baggage behind." - Jed Babbin % "Good judgement comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement." - Bix Bender % "Good sex is like good bridge: if you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." - Mae West % "Gravity's a myth. The Earth sucks." % "Harg! Glub Blug dip woot-boof wammie!" - Patrick Robinson % "Have you ever wondered why they don't treat pyromaniacs with anti-inflammatory drugs?" - Michael Klonowski % "He eats like a pig." "Nah, pigs tend to chew. [Homer] eats more like a duck." - The Simpsons % "He who learns from one who is learning drinks from a running stream." - Native American wisdom % "Help God's favorite church stay online until Jesus comes back to destroy the Internet and toss everyone into Hell." - Landover Baptist Store % "His educational career started in Agricultural School where he majored in Animal Husbandry, until they caught him at it one day." - Tom Lehrer % "his problem is he's a drunk. If I catch him drinking at work again he's fired" / "But he's my boyfriend!" / "I don't care why he drinks" - BBC Radio 4 Comedy of the Week "Blocked" % "Hold the newsreader's nose squarely, waiter, or friendly milk will countermand my trousers." Stephen Fry 'A Bit of Fry and Laurie' "Concerning Language" % "Homer, Alaska: A quaint drinking town with a fishing problem." - Seen on a bumper sticker % "Hopefully it's more 'birthday surprised' than 'rhino startled in the wild' surprised." - Steve Yegge % "How was I supposed to know he was an unarmed man? His back was to me." % "I heard that in Relativity Theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings." - Robert Schmidt % "I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian." % "I don't need to drink to have fun ... Just to put up with sanctimonious teetotalers" - Lorebrandcomics.com % "I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me." % "... I have no weapon: I make the absence of self my weapon ... I have no armor: I make courage and alertness my armor ... I have no sword: I make penetrating insight my sword ..." - 14TH CENTURY SAMURAI CODE https://www.servicespace.org/blog/view.php?id=1557 % "I hope your head explodes and the shards of your skull kill your dog" - Russell to divorce lawyer, 'Grace Under Fire' % "I keep the sexual harrasment forms in the bottom drawer of my desk. That way when a woman goes to get one I can check out her ass." - grub on slashdot.org % "I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ." - Mohandas Gandhi % "I predict, sir, that you will die either by hanging or by some vile disease." "That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress." - 19th century British Prime Ministers Gladstone, Disraeli in that order % "I started out with nothing and still have most of it left." % "I sure hope the FDA approves the placebo pill, because it did wonders in curing my hypochondria." - Kim Moser % "I think...I think it's in my basement. Let me go upstairs and check." - M.C. Escher (1898-1972) % "I used to think that life was unfair. Then I thought, wouldn't it be much worse, if life were fair, and all the terrible things that happen to us come because we actually deserve them? So, now I take great comfort in the general hostility and unfairness of the universe." - Marcus 'Babylon 5' % "I was raised by just my mom. See, my father died when I was eight years old. At least, that's what he told us in the letter." - Drew Carey % "I will not be pushed, stamped, filed, indexed, briefed, debriefed, or numbered. My life is my own." - 'The Prisoner' % "I wish that the leaves would fly south every fall and the birds would die and fall to the ground. That way I could get my cat to do all the raking." - Andy Pierson % "I'd like to talk you about drinkin'. Apart from being my hobby, it's my country's national sport." - Billy Connoly, 'The Secret Policeman's Other Ball' % "I'm not a vegetarian because I don't like meat. I'm a vegetarian because I don't like plants." - A. Whitney Brown % "I'm willing to to violate anyone's privacy for my personal gain and then claim with a straight face that the public has a right to know." - Dogbert, on why he would make a good reporter % "I've been married about 10 years now, but the wind chill makes it feel more like 50." - SkyWalker (that's the name he gave) % "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx % "If a firefighter fights fires, and a crime fighter fights crime, what is a 'freedom fighter'?" - George Carlin % "If she's looking for sympathy, she'll find it in the dictionary between shit and syphilis" - Aristotle Onassis about Jacqueline Onassis % "If we hit that bullseye, the rest of the dominos will fall like a house of cards. Checkmate." -- Zap Brannigan, Futurama % "If there are elves in the gravy, why must the pigeon herniate at midnight?" % "If you find yourself struggling with loneliness, you're not alone. And yet you are alone. So very alone." - Demotivators 2002 http://www.despair.com % "If you lend someone 20 dollars, and never see that person again, it was probably worth the investment." % "In science, 'fact' can only mean 'confirmed to such a degree that it would be perverse to withhold provisional assent.' I suppose that apples might start to rise tomorrow, but the possibility does not merit equal time in physics classrooms." - Stephen Jay Gould % "In theory there is no difference between theory and practice, but in practice there is." - Chuck Reid % "It takes a village to raise a child, but it only takes one child to raze a village." - The Covert Comic % "It's a friendly car from the country that gave you friendly fire." - Jeremy Clarkson 'Top Gear' about the PT Cruiser % "It's never just a game when you're winning." - George Carlin % "It's not that good help is hard to find, it's just that bad help is so hard to get rid of." - Mike Sergent % "It's possible that my whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others." % "Just 'cause you have a nice pencil, it don't help your penmanship" - furnaceface 'Shakey Thing' % "Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they aren't out to get you." % "Kopfschuss, Miststück" % "Laughter truly is the best medicine, unless, of course, you're vomiting at the time." - Nicholas Engle % "Let me answer that question with another question: Shut up!" - Oscar Leroy 'Corner Gas' % "Let's face it; some people have a way with words, other people, uh, oh, not have way." - Steve Martin % "Life is like a sewer: what you get out of it depends on what you put into it." - Tom Lehrer % "Like my father always said: `Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Cry, and I'll give you something to cry about, you little bastard.' "- Isaac Hodnett % "Look how Greenzo's testing. They love him in every demographic: colored people, broads, fairies, commies... gosh, we've gotta update these forms." - Jack Donaghy '30 Rock' episode "Greenzo" % "Management is doing things right; leadership is doing the right things." - Peter Drucker % "May I vigorously bang my head on your desk?" "Go ahead. Knock yourself out." - Dilbert % "Men will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest." - Denis Diderot (inventor of the encyclopedia) % "Mr. Heisenberg, do you know how fast you were going?" "No, but I know EXACTLY where I was" % "Mr. President, when our children can buy pornography on any street corner for $5, don't you think that's too high a price to pay for freedom?" "No, but I do think it's too high a price to pay for pornography." - 'The West Wing' % "My bottle held no answers, so I asked the man if I could ask another one" - Barstool Prophets 'Short and Curlies' % "My high horse is a three legged nag that smells of death." - Henry Rollins % "Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience." % "Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance." - Sam Brown % "Nothing says loser like 'I was kicked out of a cult'" % "Mr. Heisenberg, do you know how fast you were going?" "No, but I know EXACTLY where I was" % "OK Tyrion Lannister, why don't you cast a spell and get us the waffle iron back?" - Ann Perkins ; "Oh, OK, I don't even have time to tell you how wrong you are. Actually, it's going to bug me if I don't." - Ben Wyatt ; 'Parks and Recreation' episode "Article Two" % "On Time. Zero Defects. Pick One." % "One difference between man and beast is that in the jungle there is no group called Predators for the Ethical Treatment of Prey." - Jim Rosenberg % "Pedicentur nisi ridicula ridentes accipiunt" == "Fuck them if they can't take a joke" - literally: "Let them be buggered if they cannot accept funny things with a smile" % " 'Outlook not so good.' That magic 8-ball knows everything! I'll ask about Exchange Server next." % "People seem much brighter after being set on fire." % "Physics is like sex. Sure, it may give some practical results, but that's not why we do it." - R. Feynman % "Quando omni flunkus, mortati" - "When all else fails, play dead" - 'Red Green', Lodge motto % "Quem deus vult perdere, dementat prius." (Latin for "Whom the gods would destroy they first make mad.") % "Rainbows are pretty. I don't know why I shoot at them" -- winamp.com % "Remember Darlene, you're getting to that awkward age where you can be tried as an adult." - Rosanne % "Roy Biggins doesn't pay for [sex]. The Roy Biggins corporation does." - Roy Biggins 'Wings' "Sleepless in Nantucket" % "Schopenhauer was right, wouldn't you say? 'Life without pain has no meaning.' Gentlemen, I wish to give your lives meaning." - Dr. Lanstrom, Red Dwarf % "So God was creating man. And his little assistant came up to him and he said: "Hey, we've got all these bodies left, but we're right out of brains, we're right out of hearts and we're right out of vocal chords." And God said: "Fuck it! Sew 'em up anyway. Smack smiles on the faces and make them talk out of their arses." And lo, God created the Tory Party" - Phil 'Brassed Off' % "So I'm chatting with this chick on-line, and I tell her I have her favorite song on vinyl. She says, 'You're really dating yourself.' So I say, 'Duh -- why do you think I'm hanging out in a chat room in the first place?' " - Rick Kreher % "Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car." - Evan Davis % "Sometimes the mind, for reasons we don't necessarily understand, just decides to go to the store for a quart of milk." - 'Northern Exposure' % "Sometimes you just need the honesty and security of a whore." - Zed 'Killing Zoe' % "Son, life is a sucking, swirling eddy of despair, filled with small amounts of false hope in an ever-darkening universe." "Gee Dad, if I couldn't have the bike you could have just told me." - Bill Maher % "Stop swatting flies and go after the manure pile." - Air Force General Curtis LeMay % "Stupidity got us into this mess - why can't it get us out?" % "Television? The word is half Latin and half Greek. No good can come of it." - C. P. Scott % "The avalanche has already started, it is too late for the pebbles to vote" - Kosh Naranek 'Babylon 5' % "The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is probably the day they start making vacuum cleaners." - Ernst Jan Plugge % "The future isn't what it used to be." - Arthur C. Clarke % "The PFY and I are quieter than Sonny Bono's tree detector..." - BOFH 2004 Episode 36 % "The plural of 'anecdote' is not 'data.' " - Erika Engelhaupt % "The problem is, or rather one of the problems, for there are many, a sizeable number of which are continuously clogging up the civil, commercial, and criminal courts in all areas of the Galaxy, and especially, where possible, the more corrupt ones, this. The previous sentence makes sense. That is not the problem. This is: Change. Read it through again and it will make sense." - Douglas Adams, 'So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish' Ch. 21 % "The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues." - Elizabeth Taylor % "The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple." - Oscar Wilde % "The purpose of separation of church and state is to keep forever from these shores the ceaseless strife that has soaked the soil of Europe in blood for centuries." - James Madison % "The sailor does not pray for wind, he learns to sail" - Gustaf Lindborg % "The Web is the sum of all human knowledge plus porn." - Ron Gilbert http://www.grumpygamer.com/7615642 % "There's nothing wrong with my verbal skills. It only seems that way because my math skills are so high." - Dilbert % "There's no 'I' in denial" - Pete Serafinowicz as quoted by Will Arnett on the Nerdist. % "There are 10 types of people: those who understand binary, and those who don't." % "There are two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors." - Phil Karlton (and maybe Leon Bambrick) % "There are four boxes to be used in defense of liberty: soap, ballot, jury, and ammo. Please use in that order." - Ed Howdershelt (Author) % "There are two ways of constructing a software design. One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies. And the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies." - C.A.R Hoare % "Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't." % "Thou Shalt Remember that If God had meant Man to use computers, He wouldn't have given him UNIX and MS/DOS." - Philip Greenspun % "Today young men on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream in which we are the imagination of ourself...here's Tom with the weather." - Bill Hicks % "Under Capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it's the other way around" % "Urology department. Can you hold?" - Close to Home % "usquebaugh-baul" == "perilous whisky" % "Veteran of the Bermuda Triangle Expeditionary Force. 1990-1951" - Seen on a button at an SF Convention % "War is God's way of teaching Americans geography." - Ambrose Bierce, writer (1842-1914) % "We can't spell failure without U R A" - Despair.com % "We must acknowledge, once and for all, that the purpose of diplomacy is to prolong a crisis." - Mr. Spock, 'The Mark of Gideon' % "Weather forcast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning." - George Carlin % "What did you do to the cat? It looks half dead." - Schrodinger's wife % "When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife." - Prince Phillip % "When elephants fight, the grass suffers." % "When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane." % "When I die I want to go peacefully in my sleep, like Granddad, not screaming like his passengers." % "When she offered a drag of her fag, I was glad, but this fag was in drag and that's bad" - The Monks 'No Shame' % "When the map and the terrain disagree, believe the terrain." % "When you feel the winds of change, build a windmill, not a windbreak." - Mao Tse-Tung % "When you've had a boot on your neck, the only thing that makes you feel better is a neck under your boot." % "Which part of 'Colourless Green Ideas sleep furiously' don't you understand?" % "Whoever said you can't get blood from a stone had better get over here and take a look at my urine." - Mark D. Sabien % "Why do [my wives] always get smarter after the divorce?" "Because you marry them in high school." - Jack and Maya Gallo 'Just Shoot Me' % "Why due eye knead too no how two spill win eye halve a spellchecker?" (Ironically, 'spellchecker' is the only word that MY spell checker complains about) % "Windows 95 is a 32-bit patch to a 16-bit extension to an 8-bit operating system originally written for a 4-bit microprocessor by a 2-bit company that can't stand 1 bit of competition." % "Women want a lot of things from one man. Conversely, men want one thing from a lot of women." % "You can't just take my dog." "We're social workers. We can take children." - Norm MacDonald 'The Norm Show' % "You know, Arthur, when evil is afoot, and you don't have any arms, you've got to use your head. And when evil is ahead and you're behind, you've got to do the legwork. But when you can't get a leg up, you've got to be hip. You've got to keep your chin up, and kick some---" - The Tick % "You seem to have some good ideas in your mind, but with your head up your ass, you might as well be blind" - furnaceface 'Excuse Me' % "You wake me up early in the morning to tell me I am right? Please wait until I am wrong." - John von Neumann, on being phoned at 10 am % "Your work is both true and original. Unfortunately, the parts that are true are not original, and the parts that are original are not true." - Edgar Allan Poe